shredded cheese endorsement #1

cheese comes in blocks, and squares and circles and triangles and all kinds of types and shit.

I am however, against these objects and childhood shapes. Old cheddar? Mozzarella? Monterey Jack or something? I go with pre shredded in the resealable bag. Talk about ease and convenience.

It's easier. I don't want the shitty shapes. Gotta shred it anyways right? I prefer that pre shredded stuff for my personal use...that stuff is customized for my satisfaction. I hate cleaning the shredders after using them and working away at a block primarily, but look at it closely:

this is definitely something I like rubbing my fingers and knuckles against.

They call them "graters" but it's still basically just a synonym of shredder. It's like some kind of medieval torture machine. Where did this idea come from? It clearly is obvious it should be MECHANIZED. Human hands and that thing don't work together.....it's not fuckin' salt an pepper!

It doesn't work. Let's look at it in other common household situations.

This makes as much sense to me.

I'm all about the EASE.

With preshredded plastic cheese.

*slogan currently patent pending*

an obesity ridden family has corrupted my life

so there I was riding the train today minding my own business as usual. I had my paper, my headphones on and I was doing what everyone else does on the daily commute. Keeping to myself and returning home after a long day.

I always sit in the single seats so I don't have to smell someones stink or deal with their habits shoulder to shoulder/hip to hip.

Well today, I was stuck on a bench seat. Its 4 seats long and I was on the end. A dad, mom (I'm assuming) and their kid got on with 4 bags of fastfood. Onion rings, hamburgers (all of which had way to many toppings)..I mean..I'm a tomato, lettuce and cheese guy like the next one, but they had it all on there- I coulda swore I saw onion rings and fries jammed in there as well.

Well that's bad enough to sit beside, but jesus they couldnt even wait til they got home could they. In under 10 minutes they were done, all I could smell was fast food. Musta been about 12 burger at least. Then the kid beside me looks up with a stupified grimace and says:

 "dad we need to get home so i can use the bathroom."


What.
The.

Fuck.

Why couldn't this family eat their 10 person feast in the friggin restaurant?

Then it gets worse. The dad farts and the mom and kid laugh and THEN while the kid is laughing HE farts too.

Triple what the fuck.

So yeah, even I chuckled, but then I realised there wasn't even an easily horrified middle class gentleman around..so I couldn't watch someone snap. It stank man. It was not right. I felt violated and had to move. I got up and walked away. 5 minutes later I got off the train.

I've been home now for over 4 hours. The smell still lingers in my nostrils..the stank still sticks to my clothes. I am traumatized. I now sit here a broken man..violated by fast foods; things I thought were my friend; and toxic gas explosions on the train. Should this be legal??

my new elemental bed

in the beginning, people slept on Earth beds.. I think most people skipped the fire beds..dunno though, anything is possible. Air beds could be called the next best step after earth and fire elemental beds- but air is oxygen, and oxygen is in water so isn't an airbed like a partial water bed?

so basically.....I got a water bed. Well..almost. It's like a water bed but it doesn't have water in it..it has air instead..so it's an airbed, totally cool because it's still elemental right? I passed on the fire and earth beds..they didn't seem comfy enough. Water beds are so 80's passe? My new air bed is totally hip and cost under 30 bucks at walmart. This is how we roll in the big leagues. I am moving up in the world. Air bed. 200 hits on the blog. Numerous Followers. I owe it all to my good fortune and my new air bed has the stamp of success written all over it.

i gotta pay bill. But I'm not gonna

so I received an email saying I had to pay a Bill. But it didn't say which Bill. I sent an email back:

Hello sir or madam.
I have received your notification of my overdue account and which to clarify it immediately, however I am unsure of who Bill is. Could you please provide his name and contact details.

I guess they thought I was being funny because I received no reply and then got a "late notice" and interest of 3.5% was added on to the total. So I sent another reply.

Hello sir or madam.
I am not impressed with the lack of communication in lieu of Bill and the information pertaining to him. Please respond immediately as I wish to arrange a meeting to pay Bill.


No reply again. So I asked a few people on the street if they knew where Bill was and how to pay him. I was told to go to a nearby parking lot where I encountered:

This is not Bill. If you are told this is, you are being fooled my friend.

I met a man who after a moments hesitation told me he was indeed Bill and had free candy in his windowless van. Something didn't feel right. When I asked him about the money I owed him he didn't even know the exact amount when I told him my account number. So I told him I'd be right back but didn't return.

It has been 5 weeks now and I don't know what to do. So if anybody has heard from Bill or knows who Bill is, then please contact me as he is a secretive fellow. I'm not even sure if anyone has even ever been paying Bill. Maybe all along he is just some made up guy so companies can take our money. So stop paying Bill until we get some answers and a confirmed identity..

spaceship people have landed

they can't be aliens..or can they? Maybe the impossible task of traveling across space and time, across galaxies, traversing aeons of universe is not as complex as we previously believed. These people who are suspected to have just landed on Earth, coming off a spaceship or some other metaphorical device to describe complete aloofness, are now appearing in hordes.

The facial expression while attempting to perform mundane average tasks such as recognizing simple numbers, acknowledging other people or completely simple endeavours such as pressing a button in and out will be complex and confusing to a person from the spaceship.



The average facial expression of a newly arrived "spaceship man"

 So, in this scenario, I am going to put together all the pieces so you have a template for how to discover if you are dealing with a person from the metaphorical spaceship aka a complete moron.

"Why hello thar chief! How's it goin? You can proceed to make the payment on this simple device we here in North America call "Interac"...but to make things simpler, I will let you know a couple of its other names for your convenience; "Eftpos" or "Direct Debit". I am assuming you have used this device before so go ahead and follow the simple directions."



This is a common facial expression a spaceship person will have while trying to comprehend simple numbers, or attempting to push buttons.

At this point- I am assuming that simple numbers like:  

2 5 10
appear as :



Things are not looking so good when grown adults with money, access to the public and a complete non understanding of simple things most young children can comprehend are roaming the country side and inner city streets.

If you thought this was just the beginning then you are wrong. The people who are landing here on spaceships at a rapid rate can be seen everywhere and with some of their ages being well into their 30's, they have been arriving here for decades.

At the swimming pool

No comment.

Well..I'm sorry I had to break it to you..but yeah..it is looking bleak.  Good luck with your next spaceship person encounter.

cancer : relevant to my interests

my favourite things in life all cause cancer. Watching TV, using a computer (both radiation), smoking, drinking alcohol, eating fast food, eating processed food, eating stuff with preservatives in it, reading literature (the coloured/dyed ink absorbs into your hands), microwaving stuff and standing in front of it because I'm impatient...the list goes on and on.

Cancer is now officially relevant to my interests and I have nothing bad I can say about it. The best things in life are free afterall...and cancer is like the negative influence that gets you to do all the things that are great, but get you in trouble..

No longer the official bad ass

the easily horrified middle class gentleman

in the daily occurances of life we meet many individuals. The easily horrified middle class gentleman is known to respond to the most timid of incidents with an extreme reaction. I encountered an easily horrified middle class gentleman earlier today and as I sat down in my seat it made a sound that could be described as a bodily function. However, I had not commited this public taboo and looked over to witness his reaction.

the easily horrified middle class gentleman is usually dressed in formal attire and may react to mundane things such as the suspected passing of gas in an extreme manner.

I was obviously a bit embarrassed so I tried to clarify the situation.

"Sir, I sat in this seating device and the sound you heard was manipulated by the placement of my buttocks on the cushioning."

I barely finished the last words of that sentence because apparently the word "buttock" in plural form caused even more shock and outcry in this particularly easily horrified middle class gentleman.

"Buttocks"

I stood up afterward, and as I did so, the air was again expelled from the seat cushioning.

So remember to keep your eyes peeled for the easily horrified middle class gentleman that might be near you. It is inappropriate and prejudiced to prevoke a reaction from this delicate genotype of the human smorgasboard we call society.

disgruntled human: the most dangerous animal of all

the frustrated bus driver

For days, weeks, months and even years, bus drivers serve the public and deliver the passengers boarding their vehicle to their final destination. You would think that they would know the route like the back of their hand...they most likely do..but don't dare ask for directions. The frustrated bus driver will respond with wrath and fury.

"Errreermm I'm lurkin for a place by a rode nearbuhay here..a street and lights near thurr too. Do you know this er place?"

"what?!?"

"GET TEH SAM HELL OFF THIS HERE BUS WITH YOUR QUESTIONS ABOUT DIRECTIONS AND PLACES ON A ROUTE I KNOW BETTER THAN YOU KNOW YOUR OWN BUNGHOLE"

Don't ask your friendly neighbourhood bus driver obvious questions that relate to the route. Alot of them will probably answer politely, but the frustrated bus driver ready to snap is going to turn your next morning commute into a verbal assault.


the overweight fast food employee

....can be a kind and generous folk, with a laid back stoner mentality. To these noble heroes of the munchie world I thank thee for thy quick provision of low cost processed crap that tastes incredible.

The other day I was patronized for purchasing a various assortment of dollar menu items when I was asked:

"GURNA EAT ALL DAT?"

Well the answer to his imposing question was indeed "yes". So I went and sat down to eat with my cousin Jimmy.

I glanced over and noticed something. The man behind the counter was watching us eat. Here I am noticing this disturbing find.

We went and talked to the manager. He wasn't impressed with the actions of his employee and took charge of the incident by investigating and deliberating this workplace situation.

This boss was clearly disturbed by the actions of his fast food employee who responded by stormed away. As I finished my cold remains of hamburger I watched the employee drive away, shortly after tendering his resignation.

As I watched him drive away into the distance, I realised here, I was the disgruntled human...and me and my cousin Jimmy's behaviour during our eating binge at McDonald's cost a man his job.

Let's just stick to the munchies in the future and get our food in peace people. No need for this.

airmile foolery

Airmiles. Have you heard of them? Most likely. Is there a gimmick here?

What exactly is going on here with these "airmiles"?

Well..I deal with airmiles occasionally..infact..I do all of the time. These "Airmiles" members have been convinced that they will get free flights around the world with their "point card".

Here is the typical Airmiles cardholder, witnessed in an "everyday" mood thanks to this file photo:

"I spent $24000 over the last 5 years and I have 800 air mile? I have to pay the taxes too? What the shit bro? I'm gonna start breakin stuff for real."

Airmiles cardholders spend thousands of dollars in a year on "regular purchases" to get meager point returns. Then they find out they still have to pay the taxes on the flight anyways. It shows you the average "travel logic" of an airmiles cardholder since a flight halfway around the world is usually only a couple hundred bucks...with another $1000 in taxes.

This is airmiles foolery...and if I see someone pull a hissy fit over their airmiles again I'm gonna lose it.

"I just spent $240 and you never gave me my airmiles. Do it now! I want the 10 air miles....DERP..."

"I'm very sorry Mam. Let me credit your airmiles with those 10 missing miles. Keep up at this pace and you can get a flight that would be cheaper to just drive in 25 years..oh wait..you'll be dead by then."

Stop airmiles foolery now!

"how are you doing?"

is the most insincere, informal yet formal greeting that has ever existed. The amount of times I hear this question asked by multiple strangers in a day who clearly couldn't careless drives me insane.

"How are you doing today?"

generic response : "Good, you?"

This ridiculous exchange happens far too often and forces people into being liars.

I am no bible thumpin' Jesus man myself, but I even feel a bit of remorse after lying repeatedly to this invasive question.

"How are you doing today?"

"I am doing shitty. Can't you see I am standing in the ocean for no explainable reason? With my arms crossed? My designer suit wrecked with seawater? Potential undertows carrying me adrift to the depths beyond?"


Now..of course this response is over the top, but seriously people- stop asking strangers how they are doing for sake of conversation. It's annoying, pointless and is no longer cordial. I loathe answering people with lies if I am having a shit day and if there is no appropriate convention in an honest response then it is not an appropriate question.

funny bone injuries are real

Well, I just wanted to clarify my missing whereabouts due to a torrent of questions plaguing my inbox. I never realised I was so famous as to get questions pertaining to my whereabouts so I opened the messages I received and then realised it was all unrelated spam mail.

Anyhow, I broke my funny bone in a bizarre exercise accident I attained at an "extreme" gym. I arrived home to my designer apartment laden with pseudo fad furniture and then recoiled with back pain.

Back pains led to a funny bone injury

I collapsed while trying to support myself on my IKEA couch and sure enough I fell shattering my funny bone in several places. This tragic accident prevented me from achieving any form of laughter or hilarity over the last few weeks. I have since boycotted "extreme" gym exercise and will probably wear elbow pads to protect my achilles heel in the future.

Thankfully I made a quick recovery and it was all thanks to a great friend who came and visited me, helping speed the process. I wanted to thank her for helping heal my funny bone injury with godspeed and also wish her well with her future; wherever it may take her. The time together won't be forgotten.

treachery of the brown sugar

in my kitchen today there was a dreadful sight..I went to grab the brown sugar bag from atop the cabinets and it was rock hard...pulsatingly solid. It was also suspiciously close to a picture of my significant other as well. Did I place it there after use? Or is it snuggling up to my sentimental photograph and having its way with it?

I questioned the brown sugar as to why it was rock hard and why it was so near to my photograph and it didn't answer.

"Why were you soft yesterday?"

no reply...

"Was it because I entered the kitchen at a usual time? Today I enter and catch you off guard and you are hard, suspiciously close to my significant other's photo?"

The brown sugar just sat there ignoring my pleas for an explanation.

Soft one day and then hard the next? Treachery may be afoot!!

I threw that bastard out- he is no use to me if he is hard and attempting to usurp me in my own home.

the weathergirl theory

as most of us are aware, meteorologists are frequently wrong. They provide erroneous information to the public and get away with it week after week, occasionally hitting it on the money and getting a brief boost of credibility. The weathergirl is a scapegoat that is used to deliver news to the public that will most likely be wrong, but most of the time the public is too busy staring at the weathergirl and drooling over her to even hear the report.

"Hey Blake we have a new applicant for the news room."


"Ah that's great- journalism degree? Photogenic?"


"Well Blake, she is photogenic...if you know what I mean..hehehe"


"Ahh- so she's hot is she? Send her over to meteorology- the boys need a new weathergirl scapegoat."


"She was set on being a journalist sir..but whatever you say."

The problem is that people want bad news given by a good looking person- so when the news has to be broken by the meteorologists that it is going to be pissing down rain for a week straight the weathergirl is summoned to deliver it.

Admit it bro, you aren't working..you are editing maps for the new war strategy computer game you are developing.

The problem here is not only that the weathergirl is going to continuously lose her dreams of being a journalist because of the need for a meteorology scapegoat, but that the "dumb blonde" stereotype will continue to survive. Can we stop the meteorologists on their crazy escapades before it is too late?

bipolar

i hate being bipolar. I am a bipolar sufferer- I purchased my first place of residence in Antarctica not too long ago, and recently I have come across a new property in the North Pole. I never thought I could admit that I was bipolar, but apparently I am a true blue sufferer of this condition now. It is frustrating being so torn apart, from north to south, so consistently and constantly. Well..I can't really complain- some people have it worse.

undesirable roommates

the crazy dog lady

Most of us have met the type at some point throughout our days of having roommates. This person is not always the stereotypical rich individual who pampers a pet ala Paris Hilton. Usually, what we have here is a man hating woman who has replaced their missing male demographic with a beloved dog. The angry man hating lady who loves the "man" (err dog) in her life is also usually the candidate for the missing peanut butter jar.

The crazy dog lady also has difficulty realising that their dog is not a human, usually dressing it up in ridiculous undersized clothing or giving it an over the top human name like "Jacques Pierre". Forget about traditional dog food for their pet..this absurd suggestion would constitute animal cruelty. Nothing less than brie cheese, caviar, cured grade A meats and warm milk will do for their canine lover, often eschewing basic personal hygiene, interpersonal relationships and crucial expenses such as rent or food for their own diet.

It begins getting weirder after they have consummated the relationship.

 You know that you have a crazy dog lady for a roommate when the absurd levels of their comradery hit a new disturbing level. A disturbing level far beyond the bizarre clothes, fine food or delusions that the dog is infact a human being..and this is the inevitable consummation of the relationship. The pillow talk you may overhear coming from the room might seem funny at first, but when the long walks, romantic dinner dates and shared showers have finally culminated into this sickening aftermath, it is time to move on and put this degrading display behind you.

the over-emotional best friends

It seems like it is going to be perfect right? You see the want ad for a new roommate and find out three girls who are best friends from university want someone who is responsible, pays the bills and generally just is a normal individual to move in. The day comes and it seems great, you move in to your room, have the privacy you want and settle in for a good nights sleep.

But then it all comes crashing down. The simultaneous crying and squeamish arguments begin and the troubles and causes vary every day. Why are doors slamming and breakable objects being thrown around the room? Is it because the cluttered drawer girl A cleaned out had something important to girl B inside it? Or did girl C's ex boyfriend show up uninvited on girl A's night off obsessing over their failed relationship. Girl B is making fried chicken and didn't clean the cooking pan? Well it's time for Girl A to eat and it's dirty which is unacceptable, plus the oven was left on..what the hell? Girl C is allergic to pineapple. Why the fuck weren't the fresh wedges covered up? How could best friends be so insensitive. Girl B's pet rats are sick and Girl A just wants to exercise to lose some extra pounds but Girl B is mourning in the exercise space. Suck it up buttercup!

Stand clear, the best friends from university are sorting out who didn't take out the recycle bin.

Why are the girls who are best friends from university so complicated? It is a mystery shrouded in female hormones and psychology that we won't delve into here.

carbonated humans

a can of soda pop is a carbonated beverage because gas is added to the liquid inside and then the container is sealed. The pressure builds and is released when it is opened and this is something that then in turn is ingested into the body. After the beverage which was pressurized goes into the body it still contains remnants of the gas that made it carbonated.The major difference between a can or bottle of soda pop and a human is that the gas is only sealed and contained for so long before it comes out of one our exit points...whereas with a can or bottle it is contained and released upon opening. If these exit points were sealed you would have a carbonated human on your hands...then pull the lid off and it's like shaking up a carbonated beverage and opening it. Carbonated humans are a new goal for 21st century mankind. Who will the first carbonated human be?

To maximize carbonation in humans, stretchable corkage devices and large subjects should be used.

Carbonated humans will also add a new dynamic to capital punishment. Who would want to be shaken up in a life sized paint can mixer and then opened up with large amounts of gas inside. Not me. Carbonated humans may be the next big thing in science but count me out.

doctors appointment

today was a long day, mainly because my shoes were stolen. Not off of my feet thankfully..so..I was robbed but not mugged. It is a humiliating thing to lose if you have nothing else to wear but fortunately I have back up shoes that are now being brought back into the daily line up. I guess that is the positive bent on this whole situation..now the old neglected shoes feel loved again.

Shoe theft is no laughing matter

As one would imagine, I was quite distressed so I arranged a doctors appointment. At the appointment the doctor suggested that I look for the bright side and perhaps take a new lease on life...but............after looking at my options I realised I cannot afford the monthly payments so it's back to the drawing board...and eventually the shoe store.

interesting ad placements

one thing I have learned today is that if you are coming to this blog and wishing to learn the Chinese language, then presumably, you are doing so because you wish to insult people with it. The ad appeared on the right margin of "floating in the toilet" at some point today and definitely has an interesting approach to learning. The brilliant piece of art work attached to the "cultured" ad suggests that cartoon charactures of Chinese dolls with big heads are amusing and make people want to learn "Chinese".

"A progressive approach to learning"

Further evidence that you will just be learning comic lackey insults can be realised when you figure out that one cannot simply learn "Chinese". Which aspect of the language is it exactly here? Is it Mandarin? Wu? Cantonese? One of the other dialects? Great work at finding your target market guys. What is next? A "Learn to Speak African" animated gif advert with a dancing guy in black face? Lets hope not..

work meeting

at work today there was a mandatory staff meeting. I wasn't amused as I was tired and didn't want to sit around pretending that I take the job seriously. The meetings are always pointless and uninteresting. The meeting today however, was mildly entertaining. Our boss spoke in a shaky matter and had sweat on his brow when he told us that

"a sex offender has been hired."

The secretary passed around a sheet of paper to each of us that had the new employees name and picture but no information was given about the crimes committed. Instead we just now know we are working with a sex offender and what they look like. We got up and left the meeting and went to our jobs for the day.

I entered the photography wing of the building and made my way to the dark room and put on my lab coat and goggles. Inside the room was the sex offender who had just been hired developing some photographic prints. So as of today I work with a registered sex offender in a photograph lab dark room. Work went well and I didn't bring up the crimes committed. I watched as the new hiree handled the tongs used to flip the photos in the developing solution and I must admit, it was a limber grip. Perhaps the new hiree is misunderstood and there is no reason that I should be puzzled over the situation. Over lunch I mused that it was not a coincidence that the new sex offender is working in a dark, secretive room. Maybe the skills that this sex offender possesses are best suited to the tasks presented in the photo lab.

On second thought..I guess I am confused. I understand equal opportunity and all that, but why is a sex offender working in a private space devoid of light? What opinions should I have on this matter?