shredded cheese endorsement #1

cheese comes in blocks, and squares and circles and triangles and all kinds of types and shit.

I am however, against these objects and childhood shapes. Old cheddar? Mozzarella? Monterey Jack or something? I go with pre shredded in the resealable bag. Talk about ease and convenience.

It's easier. I don't want the shitty shapes. Gotta shred it anyways right? I prefer that pre shredded stuff for my personal use...that stuff is customized for my satisfaction. I hate cleaning the shredders after using them and working away at a block primarily, but look at it closely:

this is definitely something I like rubbing my fingers and knuckles against.

They call them "graters" but it's still basically just a synonym of shredder. It's like some kind of medieval torture machine. Where did this idea come from? It clearly is obvious it should be MECHANIZED. Human hands and that thing don't work together.....it's not fuckin' salt an pepper!

It doesn't work. Let's look at it in other common household situations.

This makes as much sense to me.

I'm all about the EASE.

With preshredded plastic cheese.

*slogan currently patent pending*

an obesity ridden family has corrupted my life

so there I was riding the train today minding my own business as usual. I had my paper, my headphones on and I was doing what everyone else does on the daily commute. Keeping to myself and returning home after a long day.

I always sit in the single seats so I don't have to smell someones stink or deal with their habits shoulder to shoulder/hip to hip.

Well today, I was stuck on a bench seat. Its 4 seats long and I was on the end. A dad, mom (I'm assuming) and their kid got on with 4 bags of fastfood. Onion rings, hamburgers (all of which had way to many toppings)..I mean..I'm a tomato, lettuce and cheese guy like the next one, but they had it all on there- I coulda swore I saw onion rings and fries jammed in there as well.

Well that's bad enough to sit beside, but jesus they couldnt even wait til they got home could they. In under 10 minutes they were done, all I could smell was fast food. Musta been about 12 burger at least. Then the kid beside me looks up with a stupified grimace and says:

 "dad we need to get home so i can use the bathroom."


What.
The.

Fuck.

Why couldn't this family eat their 10 person feast in the friggin restaurant?

Then it gets worse. The dad farts and the mom and kid laugh and THEN while the kid is laughing HE farts too.

Triple what the fuck.

So yeah, even I chuckled, but then I realised there wasn't even an easily horrified middle class gentleman around..so I couldn't watch someone snap. It stank man. It was not right. I felt violated and had to move. I got up and walked away. 5 minutes later I got off the train.

I've been home now for over 4 hours. The smell still lingers in my nostrils..the stank still sticks to my clothes. I am traumatized. I now sit here a broken man..violated by fast foods; things I thought were my friend; and toxic gas explosions on the train. Should this be legal??

my new elemental bed

in the beginning, people slept on Earth beds.. I think most people skipped the fire beds..dunno though, anything is possible. Air beds could be called the next best step after earth and fire elemental beds- but air is oxygen, and oxygen is in water so isn't an airbed like a partial water bed?

so basically.....I got a water bed. Well..almost. It's like a water bed but it doesn't have water in it..it has air instead..so it's an airbed, totally cool because it's still elemental right? I passed on the fire and earth beds..they didn't seem comfy enough. Water beds are so 80's passe? My new air bed is totally hip and cost under 30 bucks at walmart. This is how we roll in the big leagues. I am moving up in the world. Air bed. 200 hits on the blog. Numerous Followers. I owe it all to my good fortune and my new air bed has the stamp of success written all over it.

i gotta pay bill. But I'm not gonna

so I received an email saying I had to pay a Bill. But it didn't say which Bill. I sent an email back:

Hello sir or madam.
I have received your notification of my overdue account and which to clarify it immediately, however I am unsure of who Bill is. Could you please provide his name and contact details.

I guess they thought I was being funny because I received no reply and then got a "late notice" and interest of 3.5% was added on to the total. So I sent another reply.

Hello sir or madam.
I am not impressed with the lack of communication in lieu of Bill and the information pertaining to him. Please respond immediately as I wish to arrange a meeting to pay Bill.


No reply again. So I asked a few people on the street if they knew where Bill was and how to pay him. I was told to go to a nearby parking lot where I encountered:

This is not Bill. If you are told this is, you are being fooled my friend.

I met a man who after a moments hesitation told me he was indeed Bill and had free candy in his windowless van. Something didn't feel right. When I asked him about the money I owed him he didn't even know the exact amount when I told him my account number. So I told him I'd be right back but didn't return.

It has been 5 weeks now and I don't know what to do. So if anybody has heard from Bill or knows who Bill is, then please contact me as he is a secretive fellow. I'm not even sure if anyone has even ever been paying Bill. Maybe all along he is just some made up guy so companies can take our money. So stop paying Bill until we get some answers and a confirmed identity..

spaceship people have landed

they can't be aliens..or can they? Maybe the impossible task of traveling across space and time, across galaxies, traversing aeons of universe is not as complex as we previously believed. These people who are suspected to have just landed on Earth, coming off a spaceship or some other metaphorical device to describe complete aloofness, are now appearing in hordes.

The facial expression while attempting to perform mundane average tasks such as recognizing simple numbers, acknowledging other people or completely simple endeavours such as pressing a button in and out will be complex and confusing to a person from the spaceship.



The average facial expression of a newly arrived "spaceship man"

 So, in this scenario, I am going to put together all the pieces so you have a template for how to discover if you are dealing with a person from the metaphorical spaceship aka a complete moron.

"Why hello thar chief! How's it goin? You can proceed to make the payment on this simple device we here in North America call "Interac"...but to make things simpler, I will let you know a couple of its other names for your convenience; "Eftpos" or "Direct Debit". I am assuming you have used this device before so go ahead and follow the simple directions."



This is a common facial expression a spaceship person will have while trying to comprehend simple numbers, or attempting to push buttons.

At this point- I am assuming that simple numbers like:  

2 5 10
appear as :



Things are not looking so good when grown adults with money, access to the public and a complete non understanding of simple things most young children can comprehend are roaming the country side and inner city streets.

If you thought this was just the beginning then you are wrong. The people who are landing here on spaceships at a rapid rate can be seen everywhere and with some of their ages being well into their 30's, they have been arriving here for decades.

At the swimming pool

No comment.

Well..I'm sorry I had to break it to you..but yeah..it is looking bleak.  Good luck with your next spaceship person encounter.

cancer : relevant to my interests

my favourite things in life all cause cancer. Watching TV, using a computer (both radiation), smoking, drinking alcohol, eating fast food, eating processed food, eating stuff with preservatives in it, reading literature (the coloured/dyed ink absorbs into your hands), microwaving stuff and standing in front of it because I'm impatient...the list goes on and on.

Cancer is now officially relevant to my interests and I have nothing bad I can say about it. The best things in life are free afterall...and cancer is like the negative influence that gets you to do all the things that are great, but get you in trouble..

No longer the official bad ass

the easily horrified middle class gentleman

in the daily occurances of life we meet many individuals. The easily horrified middle class gentleman is known to respond to the most timid of incidents with an extreme reaction. I encountered an easily horrified middle class gentleman earlier today and as I sat down in my seat it made a sound that could be described as a bodily function. However, I had not commited this public taboo and looked over to witness his reaction.

the easily horrified middle class gentleman is usually dressed in formal attire and may react to mundane things such as the suspected passing of gas in an extreme manner.

I was obviously a bit embarrassed so I tried to clarify the situation.

"Sir, I sat in this seating device and the sound you heard was manipulated by the placement of my buttocks on the cushioning."

I barely finished the last words of that sentence because apparently the word "buttock" in plural form caused even more shock and outcry in this particularly easily horrified middle class gentleman.

"Buttocks"

I stood up afterward, and as I did so, the air was again expelled from the seat cushioning.

So remember to keep your eyes peeled for the easily horrified middle class gentleman that might be near you. It is inappropriate and prejudiced to prevoke a reaction from this delicate genotype of the human smorgasboard we call society.

disgruntled human: the most dangerous animal of all

the frustrated bus driver

For days, weeks, months and even years, bus drivers serve the public and deliver the passengers boarding their vehicle to their final destination. You would think that they would know the route like the back of their hand...they most likely do..but don't dare ask for directions. The frustrated bus driver will respond with wrath and fury.

"Errreermm I'm lurkin for a place by a rode nearbuhay here..a street and lights near thurr too. Do you know this er place?"

"what?!?"

"GET TEH SAM HELL OFF THIS HERE BUS WITH YOUR QUESTIONS ABOUT DIRECTIONS AND PLACES ON A ROUTE I KNOW BETTER THAN YOU KNOW YOUR OWN BUNGHOLE"

Don't ask your friendly neighbourhood bus driver obvious questions that relate to the route. Alot of them will probably answer politely, but the frustrated bus driver ready to snap is going to turn your next morning commute into a verbal assault.


the overweight fast food employee

....can be a kind and generous folk, with a laid back stoner mentality. To these noble heroes of the munchie world I thank thee for thy quick provision of low cost processed crap that tastes incredible.

The other day I was patronized for purchasing a various assortment of dollar menu items when I was asked:

"GURNA EAT ALL DAT?"

Well the answer to his imposing question was indeed "yes". So I went and sat down to eat with my cousin Jimmy.

I glanced over and noticed something. The man behind the counter was watching us eat. Here I am noticing this disturbing find.

We went and talked to the manager. He wasn't impressed with the actions of his employee and took charge of the incident by investigating and deliberating this workplace situation.

This boss was clearly disturbed by the actions of his fast food employee who responded by stormed away. As I finished my cold remains of hamburger I watched the employee drive away, shortly after tendering his resignation.

As I watched him drive away into the distance, I realised here, I was the disgruntled human...and me and my cousin Jimmy's behaviour during our eating binge at McDonald's cost a man his job.

Let's just stick to the munchies in the future and get our food in peace people. No need for this.