the matador

so..lets talk about the matador.

first off, let me get the ball rolling by introducing our concurrent, brohavioural specimen. The matador is an ancient icon..most often a psychopath who doesn't have all the sandwiches in the picnic basket. This adventurous character may infact be a badass in general, but amongst this profile is the vehicular transport. This transportation mechanical device justifies that indeed the matador is a righteous dude who may possibly be carrying a sidearm or on steroids.

the average matador uses a mechanical device similar to this when going from point a to point b.

2. Although the matador may conduct primitive acts at times, the crowd seems to be dominated by women? What is going on? I thought most women were into animal rights.Wait..maybe these are tomboys or just really masculine badass types.

The front row seems to be mostly men. Judges or perhaps the matadors boyfriends.

3. Even though I tease and joke about the matador..it must be said that what they accomplish is pretty badass.

4. Don't show a drunken matador this...or any matador for that matter.

statistics

statistics are basically a bunch of numbers people and animals use to decipher characteristics, traits or other analysis' that describe mannerisms.

Not quite sure what that was all about.

Anyways, 1 in 20 people who come to this site are using Macintosh computers. What's up with that? Are Apple users a minority...or does this say that the 18 out of 20 people remaining after the other oddballs are smarter or dumber??

Also..

How come I have no third world viewers? Where are you third worlders? This is 2011 get with the program and start using this thing known as internets.

look at your naked feet

do it. Do you find it strange?

twitch your toes a little. Do a rhythmic movement. Make em' dance.


Well..I thought it was weird. Get messed up first- it might make it cooler.


-i hit backspace over 499 times while exploring, observing and learning the various nuances of my squirming, naked feet.

spoken word: a tough career

so you wanna be a spoken word dude huh? Got that beat flow Kerouac talked about? Ready to speak at a pace that seems illiterate? Not ready to rap with a beat?

Spoken word people always kinda frustrate me. I mean..yeah it's a talent.. I could do it if I wanted.. I used to freestyle to bad beats on cocaine induced diatribes when I was a teenager. But why?

You're competing against the best at spoken word of all time. You gonna beat Hitler in a spoken word match? I don't think so.

Hitler: the most successful spoken word artist of all time.

It's like trying to make the best British Invasion band of all time in 2011. Gonna call yourselves the Beetles and rip it? No. Are you gonna recruit Patrick Stewart and lay down your latest spoken word for him to read?

No. He has a great narrative over-voice. I'm not gonna deny that..but back to Hitler..imagine Patrick Stewart reading Mein Kampf on an audio book. That would automatically become the greatest selling spoken word item of all time.

Patrick Stewart is available since Morgan Freeman refuses to narrate Hate speech...sadly the best form of spoken word after comedy.

Hello. I am your narrator..between me and Patty Stew we have the bases covered. I do the political, endearing narratives, he handles the hate speech or sci fi characters.

Stop the spoken word. It's annoying and lame. I don't want serious diatribes about politics "spoken to me". Tell jokes man..I don't want to hear your serious crap...but yeah, you spoken word bums..err facsists, err poets...are busy and hard at it. Write it in a book for me..I'll read it if it is free and I get the time while I'm scratching my ass on a bus, subway, tram or some other form of public lamesportation.

Serious politically motivated spoken worders: FUCK OFF.

I lied earlier. Here without further ado, is the greatest spoken word performer of all time.

His barks are mindbending....

living in a dodgy apartment: the chronicles

the dodgy apartment is something that everybody eventually lives in. Whether it is the crazy argument going on next door at 4am through the thin walls, your unwanted engagement in a battle vs several cockroaches, the mysterious bite marks, the fact you have no thermostat to control the heat or you're busy playing "where will the next stain appear?" the fun never ends.

The hallways and elevator always stink and this is where most of the stains appear. I found an air mattress soul brother who was living in the laundry room?



oh hai there..i am living on this air bed until I find a new apartment

first the piss stains, phantom hallway poop, elevator gas chamber and now this...



As an owner of an airbed  myself... (sigh).. I will just segway back into the constant appearances of stains and presence of foul odours. Living in this apartment has shown me the trials and tribulations that some poor souls face..ok now I'm being overdramatic.

But yeah, imagine this scenario. You wake up to the loud screams of a guy yelling at his cat or dog about something and barking loudly. Then you leave your overheating apartment to go to work and right beside your door, about five feet to the left, on the drab yellow floor..

....is a piece of shit. Literally. What?

for every piece of shit I find, I'm deducting a fee from my rent good sirs!

So yeah, thankfully it doesn't stink for some reason. On to the elevator.

Okay..there is a huge stain on the floor of the elevator. It smells like B/O, sambuca and urine. This is fucking lovely. It is almost like it sticks to you and permeates your flesh and exterior clothing, somehow joining the fabrics of your under clothing, be it a t shirt or bra or man bra or whatever.

So from now on I'll stick to the stairs. It's only a few floors up- what's the big deal.

WRONG. It's like people have contests on how many stairs they can piss down in that stairwell. What is going on here? This is where 100 or more piss stains have been found.

Be grateful if you have moved OUT of this scenario..but for those who haven't..witnessing the piss olympics, listening to grown adults argue with appliances or geriatric pets leaving shit in the halls; I say one thing..and that is; YOU MUST try it out.



the store within a store concept

so you walk in a walmart and you find a mcdonalds. Or you walk in a home depot and find a harveys. Pretty interesting stuff here. The store within a store.

I want to further this and find a store within a store within a store etc.

Walk in the walmart and find the mcdonalds, in the mcdonalds you find a cinnabon, then in the cinnabon you find a pot shop with bongs and all that. Then theres this transition hallway for some reason and theres a dealer in the alley and you walk out into the next store, which is a 7-11. What the fuck is going on? Get your munchies and walk back into the walmart. Walmart is a pretty interesting place really...it's kinda like a senior citizen home meets disneyland meets a grocery store meets a dollar store.

Everybody in walmart is always on some kind of mission. I don't really think people go to walmart to browse? If they do they're fuckin stupid.

store within a store within a store concept.

What a load of stupid shit that was..contemplating deleting this one.

the limp handshake

i honestly don't fully get the whole aesthetic of the "firm handshake" so I just tend to keep it limp...perhaps like I'm a terminally ill patient in the hospital. Truth be told, I really just don't give a shit. If it's a job interview that I desperately need to do well in and the guy interviewing me is a big macho type, then yeah, I'll throw the acting skills out there and lay down a nice handshake that could potentially break fingers.

Shake it firm next time or I'll open a can of whoop ass you little PUNK

I wasn't being sexist in the last paragraph when I said "guy" interviewing me either. I know plenty of women who hold that role as well..but seriously- what kind of dumbass dude is gonna squeeze the shit out of the chicks hand who is interviewing them? Fucking morons...

But anyways, I'll continue this riveting tale.

I was recently made fun of and verbally abused for not giving a nice, firm handshake when I met a group of strangers (all guys) who I was hanging out with through a friend. None of them said shit, but then one just started going off:

"You can tell alot about a guys handshake."

Really? Is this a job site? And what is with the bluetooth headset? Quit pretending to be important and lose the act. Is he ready to beat some heads in Macho Man Randy Savage style? Almost got that BMW or whatever you're aiming for hotshot?

Seriously..I don't get this whole thing about firm handshakes. This isn't a military barracks, this isn't a try out for "who is the toughest asshole in the room"- lose the fucking macho bullshit. I'm limping it all the way to the finish line....and I don't give a shit what anybody says.

the all knowing pub preacher....

....and other "companion characters".


well I'll get started here by stating that I never have really been a big fan of public speaking. Whether it's someone on a high horse thinking they're important or a hate preaching psychopath...I guess I'll just say, it never really works for me.Well..maybe that is a lie. I enjoy listening to things I have attended out of my own doing. I do not however, enjoy, the shit I have to hear while I try to drink a beer at the bar and write or read or whatever the fuck.

the all knowing pub preacher

Usually; this unique individual is surrounded by various people... so with this being an age demographic based thing, we'll keep it simple with "the all knowing pub preacher" being our template.

Immediately after this riveting chap begins his tirades, three things will be witnessed... all of which using similar facial expressions:

the confused yet intrigued dude

the is she annoyed or is she interested gal

and, my personal favourite:

the uninterested, leave me the fuck alone while I conduct my business of reading, writing, or "general behaviours" pal

As you can see, definitely..he is indeed, a serious fellow.
Anyways, let us move on to the conclusion.

Conclusion:

So in the end, there is only one result to this..and fortunately, a friend of mine, who I drink with regularly, recently caught an excellent file photo of me nearby during this wee little tales unfolding.

THATS IT IVE HEARD ENOUGH!

So...basically..leave me alone when I want to write or read, or drink, or just sit in a dismal corner alone, conducting my endeavours in a public setting. I don't care about you..so leave me be. Afterall, this is the place I come to collect my thoughts and actually work. I don't do fuck all at my day job.

pointless 2011 commentary

what is merry about xmas to you
what is happy about a new year
what the fuck is a new year anyways
it seems kinda backwards or oxymoronical to me
why are so many people not happy or merry
why the shit are people merry and happy

ive never had a good new year or merry xmas.
well actually, i had one.
a long long time ago, in the summertime.

hope you all had a shitty and dismal holidays.
well..actually i don't really hope that..
i just have had a ridiculously stupid one...
probably the worst month of my life
so i guess it isn't fair to take it out on the lucky and fortunate people.
miss you

shredded cheese endorsement #1

cheese comes in blocks, and squares and circles and triangles and all kinds of types and shit.

I am however, against these objects and childhood shapes. Old cheddar? Mozzarella? Monterey Jack or something? I go with pre shredded in the resealable bag. Talk about ease and convenience.

It's easier. I don't want the shitty shapes. Gotta shred it anyways right? I prefer that pre shredded stuff for my personal use...that stuff is customized for my satisfaction. I hate cleaning the shredders after using them and working away at a block primarily, but look at it closely:

this is definitely something I like rubbing my fingers and knuckles against.

They call them "graters" but it's still basically just a synonym of shredder. It's like some kind of medieval torture machine. Where did this idea come from? It clearly is obvious it should be MECHANIZED. Human hands and that thing don't work together.....it's not fuckin' salt an pepper!

It doesn't work. Let's look at it in other common household situations.

This makes as much sense to me.

I'm all about the EASE.

With preshredded plastic cheese.

*slogan currently patent pending*

an obesity ridden family has corrupted my life

so there I was riding the train today minding my own business as usual. I had my paper, my headphones on and I was doing what everyone else does on the daily commute. Keeping to myself and returning home after a long day.

I always sit in the single seats so I don't have to smell someones stink or deal with their habits shoulder to shoulder/hip to hip.

Well today, I was stuck on a bench seat. Its 4 seats long and I was on the end. A dad, mom (I'm assuming) and their kid got on with 4 bags of fastfood. Onion rings, hamburgers (all of which had way to many toppings)..I mean..I'm a tomato, lettuce and cheese guy like the next one, but they had it all on there- I coulda swore I saw onion rings and fries jammed in there as well.

Well that's bad enough to sit beside, but jesus they couldnt even wait til they got home could they. In under 10 minutes they were done, all I could smell was fast food. Musta been about 12 burger at least. Then the kid beside me looks up with a stupified grimace and says:

 "dad we need to get home so i can use the bathroom."


What.
The.

Fuck.

Why couldn't this family eat their 10 person feast in the friggin restaurant?

Then it gets worse. The dad farts and the mom and kid laugh and THEN while the kid is laughing HE farts too.

Triple what the fuck.

So yeah, even I chuckled, but then I realised there wasn't even an easily horrified middle class gentleman around..so I couldn't watch someone snap. It stank man. It was not right. I felt violated and had to move. I got up and walked away. 5 minutes later I got off the train.

I've been home now for over 4 hours. The smell still lingers in my nostrils..the stank still sticks to my clothes. I am traumatized. I now sit here a broken man..violated by fast foods; things I thought were my friend; and toxic gas explosions on the train. Should this be legal??

my new elemental bed

in the beginning, people slept on Earth beds.. I think most people skipped the fire beds..dunno though, anything is possible. Air beds could be called the next best step after earth and fire elemental beds- but air is oxygen, and oxygen is in water so isn't an airbed like a partial water bed?

so basically.....I got a water bed. Well..almost. It's like a water bed but it doesn't have water in it..it has air instead..so it's an airbed, totally cool because it's still elemental right? I passed on the fire and earth beds..they didn't seem comfy enough. Water beds are so 80's passe? My new air bed is totally hip and cost under 30 bucks at walmart. This is how we roll in the big leagues. I am moving up in the world. Air bed. 200 hits on the blog. Numerous Followers. I owe it all to my good fortune and my new air bed has the stamp of success written all over it.

i gotta pay bill. But I'm not gonna

so I received an email saying I had to pay a Bill. But it didn't say which Bill. I sent an email back:

Hello sir or madam.
I have received your notification of my overdue account and which to clarify it immediately, however I am unsure of who Bill is. Could you please provide his name and contact details.

I guess they thought I was being funny because I received no reply and then got a "late notice" and interest of 3.5% was added on to the total. So I sent another reply.

Hello sir or madam.
I am not impressed with the lack of communication in lieu of Bill and the information pertaining to him. Please respond immediately as I wish to arrange a meeting to pay Bill.


No reply again. So I asked a few people on the street if they knew where Bill was and how to pay him. I was told to go to a nearby parking lot where I encountered:

This is not Bill. If you are told this is, you are being fooled my friend.

I met a man who after a moments hesitation told me he was indeed Bill and had free candy in his windowless van. Something didn't feel right. When I asked him about the money I owed him he didn't even know the exact amount when I told him my account number. So I told him I'd be right back but didn't return.

It has been 5 weeks now and I don't know what to do. So if anybody has heard from Bill or knows who Bill is, then please contact me as he is a secretive fellow. I'm not even sure if anyone has even ever been paying Bill. Maybe all along he is just some made up guy so companies can take our money. So stop paying Bill until we get some answers and a confirmed identity..

spaceship people have landed

they can't be aliens..or can they? Maybe the impossible task of traveling across space and time, across galaxies, traversing aeons of universe is not as complex as we previously believed. These people who are suspected to have just landed on Earth, coming off a spaceship or some other metaphorical device to describe complete aloofness, are now appearing in hordes.

The facial expression while attempting to perform mundane average tasks such as recognizing simple numbers, acknowledging other people or completely simple endeavours such as pressing a button in and out will be complex and confusing to a person from the spaceship.



The average facial expression of a newly arrived "spaceship man"

 So, in this scenario, I am going to put together all the pieces so you have a template for how to discover if you are dealing with a person from the metaphorical spaceship aka a complete moron.

"Why hello thar chief! How's it goin? You can proceed to make the payment on this simple device we here in North America call "Interac"...but to make things simpler, I will let you know a couple of its other names for your convenience; "Eftpos" or "Direct Debit". I am assuming you have used this device before so go ahead and follow the simple directions."



This is a common facial expression a spaceship person will have while trying to comprehend simple numbers, or attempting to push buttons.

At this point- I am assuming that simple numbers like:  

2 5 10
appear as :



Things are not looking so good when grown adults with money, access to the public and a complete non understanding of simple things most young children can comprehend are roaming the country side and inner city streets.

If you thought this was just the beginning then you are wrong. The people who are landing here on spaceships at a rapid rate can be seen everywhere and with some of their ages being well into their 30's, they have been arriving here for decades.

At the swimming pool

No comment.

Well..I'm sorry I had to break it to you..but yeah..it is looking bleak.  Good luck with your next spaceship person encounter.

cancer : relevant to my interests

my favourite things in life all cause cancer. Watching TV, using a computer (both radiation), smoking, drinking alcohol, eating fast food, eating processed food, eating stuff with preservatives in it, reading literature (the coloured/dyed ink absorbs into your hands), microwaving stuff and standing in front of it because I'm impatient...the list goes on and on.

Cancer is now officially relevant to my interests and I have nothing bad I can say about it. The best things in life are free afterall...and cancer is like the negative influence that gets you to do all the things that are great, but get you in trouble..

No longer the official bad ass

the easily horrified middle class gentleman

in the daily occurances of life we meet many individuals. The easily horrified middle class gentleman is known to respond to the most timid of incidents with an extreme reaction. I encountered an easily horrified middle class gentleman earlier today and as I sat down in my seat it made a sound that could be described as a bodily function. However, I had not commited this public taboo and looked over to witness his reaction.

the easily horrified middle class gentleman is usually dressed in formal attire and may react to mundane things such as the suspected passing of gas in an extreme manner.

I was obviously a bit embarrassed so I tried to clarify the situation.

"Sir, I sat in this seating device and the sound you heard was manipulated by the placement of my buttocks on the cushioning."

I barely finished the last words of that sentence because apparently the word "buttock" in plural form caused even more shock and outcry in this particularly easily horrified middle class gentleman.

"Buttocks"

I stood up afterward, and as I did so, the air was again expelled from the seat cushioning.

So remember to keep your eyes peeled for the easily horrified middle class gentleman that might be near you. It is inappropriate and prejudiced to prevoke a reaction from this delicate genotype of the human smorgasboard we call society.

disgruntled human: the most dangerous animal of all

the frustrated bus driver

For days, weeks, months and even years, bus drivers serve the public and deliver the passengers boarding their vehicle to their final destination. You would think that they would know the route like the back of their hand...they most likely do..but don't dare ask for directions. The frustrated bus driver will respond with wrath and fury.

"Errreermm I'm lurkin for a place by a rode nearbuhay here..a street and lights near thurr too. Do you know this er place?"

"what?!?"

"GET TEH SAM HELL OFF THIS HERE BUS WITH YOUR QUESTIONS ABOUT DIRECTIONS AND PLACES ON A ROUTE I KNOW BETTER THAN YOU KNOW YOUR OWN BUNGHOLE"

Don't ask your friendly neighbourhood bus driver obvious questions that relate to the route. Alot of them will probably answer politely, but the frustrated bus driver ready to snap is going to turn your next morning commute into a verbal assault.


the overweight fast food employee

....can be a kind and generous folk, with a laid back stoner mentality. To these noble heroes of the munchie world I thank thee for thy quick provision of low cost processed crap that tastes incredible.

The other day I was patronized for purchasing a various assortment of dollar menu items when I was asked:

"GURNA EAT ALL DAT?"

Well the answer to his imposing question was indeed "yes". So I went and sat down to eat with my cousin Jimmy.

I glanced over and noticed something. The man behind the counter was watching us eat. Here I am noticing this disturbing find.

We went and talked to the manager. He wasn't impressed with the actions of his employee and took charge of the incident by investigating and deliberating this workplace situation.

This boss was clearly disturbed by the actions of his fast food employee who responded by stormed away. As I finished my cold remains of hamburger I watched the employee drive away, shortly after tendering his resignation.

As I watched him drive away into the distance, I realised here, I was the disgruntled human...and me and my cousin Jimmy's behaviour during our eating binge at McDonald's cost a man his job.

Let's just stick to the munchies in the future and get our food in peace people. No need for this.

airmile foolery

Airmiles. Have you heard of them? Most likely. Is there a gimmick here?

What exactly is going on here with these "airmiles"?

Well..I deal with airmiles occasionally..infact..I do all of the time. These "Airmiles" members have been convinced that they will get free flights around the world with their "point card".

Here is the typical Airmiles cardholder, witnessed in an "everyday" mood thanks to this file photo:

"I spent $24000 over the last 5 years and I have 800 air mile? I have to pay the taxes too? What the shit bro? I'm gonna start breakin stuff for real."

Airmiles cardholders spend thousands of dollars in a year on "regular purchases" to get meager point returns. Then they find out they still have to pay the taxes on the flight anyways. It shows you the average "travel logic" of an airmiles cardholder since a flight halfway around the world is usually only a couple hundred bucks...with another $1000 in taxes.

This is airmiles foolery...and if I see someone pull a hissy fit over their airmiles again I'm gonna lose it.

"I just spent $240 and you never gave me my airmiles. Do it now! I want the 10 air miles....DERP..."

"I'm very sorry Mam. Let me credit your airmiles with those 10 missing miles. Keep up at this pace and you can get a flight that would be cheaper to just drive in 25 years..oh wait..you'll be dead by then."

Stop airmiles foolery now!