airmile foolery

Airmiles. Have you heard of them? Most likely. Is there a gimmick here?

What exactly is going on here with these "airmiles"?

Well..I deal with airmiles occasionally..infact..I do all of the time. These "Airmiles" members have been convinced that they will get free flights around the world with their "point card".

Here is the typical Airmiles cardholder, witnessed in an "everyday" mood thanks to this file photo:

"I spent $24000 over the last 5 years and I have 800 air mile? I have to pay the taxes too? What the shit bro? I'm gonna start breakin stuff for real."

Airmiles cardholders spend thousands of dollars in a year on "regular purchases" to get meager point returns. Then they find out they still have to pay the taxes on the flight anyways. It shows you the average "travel logic" of an airmiles cardholder since a flight halfway around the world is usually only a couple hundred bucks...with another $1000 in taxes.

This is airmiles foolery...and if I see someone pull a hissy fit over their airmiles again I'm gonna lose it.

"I just spent $240 and you never gave me my airmiles. Do it now! I want the 10 air miles....DERP..."

"I'm very sorry Mam. Let me credit your airmiles with those 10 missing miles. Keep up at this pace and you can get a flight that would be cheaper to just drive in 25 years..oh wait..you'll be dead by then."

Stop airmiles foolery now!

"how are you doing?"

is the most insincere, informal yet formal greeting that has ever existed. The amount of times I hear this question asked by multiple strangers in a day who clearly couldn't careless drives me insane.

"How are you doing today?"

generic response : "Good, you?"

This ridiculous exchange happens far too often and forces people into being liars.

I am no bible thumpin' Jesus man myself, but I even feel a bit of remorse after lying repeatedly to this invasive question.

"How are you doing today?"

"I am doing shitty. Can't you see I am standing in the ocean for no explainable reason? With my arms crossed? My designer suit wrecked with seawater? Potential undertows carrying me adrift to the depths beyond?"


Now..of course this response is over the top, but seriously people- stop asking strangers how they are doing for sake of conversation. It's annoying, pointless and is no longer cordial. I loathe answering people with lies if I am having a shit day and if there is no appropriate convention in an honest response then it is not an appropriate question.

funny bone injuries are real

Well, I just wanted to clarify my missing whereabouts due to a torrent of questions plaguing my inbox. I never realised I was so famous as to get questions pertaining to my whereabouts so I opened the messages I received and then realised it was all unrelated spam mail.

Anyhow, I broke my funny bone in a bizarre exercise accident I attained at an "extreme" gym. I arrived home to my designer apartment laden with pseudo fad furniture and then recoiled with back pain.

Back pains led to a funny bone injury

I collapsed while trying to support myself on my IKEA couch and sure enough I fell shattering my funny bone in several places. This tragic accident prevented me from achieving any form of laughter or hilarity over the last few weeks. I have since boycotted "extreme" gym exercise and will probably wear elbow pads to protect my achilles heel in the future.

Thankfully I made a quick recovery and it was all thanks to a great friend who came and visited me, helping speed the process. I wanted to thank her for helping heal my funny bone injury with godspeed and also wish her well with her future; wherever it may take her. The time together won't be forgotten.

treachery of the brown sugar

in my kitchen today there was a dreadful sight..I went to grab the brown sugar bag from atop the cabinets and it was rock hard...pulsatingly solid. It was also suspiciously close to a picture of my significant other as well. Did I place it there after use? Or is it snuggling up to my sentimental photograph and having its way with it?

I questioned the brown sugar as to why it was rock hard and why it was so near to my photograph and it didn't answer.

"Why were you soft yesterday?"

no reply...

"Was it because I entered the kitchen at a usual time? Today I enter and catch you off guard and you are hard, suspiciously close to my significant other's photo?"

The brown sugar just sat there ignoring my pleas for an explanation.

Soft one day and then hard the next? Treachery may be afoot!!

I threw that bastard out- he is no use to me if he is hard and attempting to usurp me in my own home.

the weathergirl theory

as most of us are aware, meteorologists are frequently wrong. They provide erroneous information to the public and get away with it week after week, occasionally hitting it on the money and getting a brief boost of credibility. The weathergirl is a scapegoat that is used to deliver news to the public that will most likely be wrong, but most of the time the public is too busy staring at the weathergirl and drooling over her to even hear the report.

"Hey Blake we have a new applicant for the news room."


"Ah that's great- journalism degree? Photogenic?"


"Well Blake, she is photogenic...if you know what I mean..hehehe"


"Ahh- so she's hot is she? Send her over to meteorology- the boys need a new weathergirl scapegoat."


"She was set on being a journalist sir..but whatever you say."

The problem is that people want bad news given by a good looking person- so when the news has to be broken by the meteorologists that it is going to be pissing down rain for a week straight the weathergirl is summoned to deliver it.

Admit it bro, you aren't working..you are editing maps for the new war strategy computer game you are developing.

The problem here is not only that the weathergirl is going to continuously lose her dreams of being a journalist because of the need for a meteorology scapegoat, but that the "dumb blonde" stereotype will continue to survive. Can we stop the meteorologists on their crazy escapades before it is too late?

bipolar

i hate being bipolar. I am a bipolar sufferer- I purchased my first place of residence in Antarctica not too long ago, and recently I have come across a new property in the North Pole. I never thought I could admit that I was bipolar, but apparently I am a true blue sufferer of this condition now. It is frustrating being so torn apart, from north to south, so consistently and constantly. Well..I can't really complain- some people have it worse.

undesirable roommates

the crazy dog lady

Most of us have met the type at some point throughout our days of having roommates. This person is not always the stereotypical rich individual who pampers a pet ala Paris Hilton. Usually, what we have here is a man hating woman who has replaced their missing male demographic with a beloved dog. The angry man hating lady who loves the "man" (err dog) in her life is also usually the candidate for the missing peanut butter jar.

The crazy dog lady also has difficulty realising that their dog is not a human, usually dressing it up in ridiculous undersized clothing or giving it an over the top human name like "Jacques Pierre". Forget about traditional dog food for their pet..this absurd suggestion would constitute animal cruelty. Nothing less than brie cheese, caviar, cured grade A meats and warm milk will do for their canine lover, often eschewing basic personal hygiene, interpersonal relationships and crucial expenses such as rent or food for their own diet.

It begins getting weirder after they have consummated the relationship.

 You know that you have a crazy dog lady for a roommate when the absurd levels of their comradery hit a new disturbing level. A disturbing level far beyond the bizarre clothes, fine food or delusions that the dog is infact a human being..and this is the inevitable consummation of the relationship. The pillow talk you may overhear coming from the room might seem funny at first, but when the long walks, romantic dinner dates and shared showers have finally culminated into this sickening aftermath, it is time to move on and put this degrading display behind you.

the over-emotional best friends

It seems like it is going to be perfect right? You see the want ad for a new roommate and find out three girls who are best friends from university want someone who is responsible, pays the bills and generally just is a normal individual to move in. The day comes and it seems great, you move in to your room, have the privacy you want and settle in for a good nights sleep.

But then it all comes crashing down. The simultaneous crying and squeamish arguments begin and the troubles and causes vary every day. Why are doors slamming and breakable objects being thrown around the room? Is it because the cluttered drawer girl A cleaned out had something important to girl B inside it? Or did girl C's ex boyfriend show up uninvited on girl A's night off obsessing over their failed relationship. Girl B is making fried chicken and didn't clean the cooking pan? Well it's time for Girl A to eat and it's dirty which is unacceptable, plus the oven was left on..what the hell? Girl C is allergic to pineapple. Why the fuck weren't the fresh wedges covered up? How could best friends be so insensitive. Girl B's pet rats are sick and Girl A just wants to exercise to lose some extra pounds but Girl B is mourning in the exercise space. Suck it up buttercup!

Stand clear, the best friends from university are sorting out who didn't take out the recycle bin.

Why are the girls who are best friends from university so complicated? It is a mystery shrouded in female hormones and psychology that we won't delve into here.

carbonated humans

a can of soda pop is a carbonated beverage because gas is added to the liquid inside and then the container is sealed. The pressure builds and is released when it is opened and this is something that then in turn is ingested into the body. After the beverage which was pressurized goes into the body it still contains remnants of the gas that made it carbonated.The major difference between a can or bottle of soda pop and a human is that the gas is only sealed and contained for so long before it comes out of one our exit points...whereas with a can or bottle it is contained and released upon opening. If these exit points were sealed you would have a carbonated human on your hands...then pull the lid off and it's like shaking up a carbonated beverage and opening it. Carbonated humans are a new goal for 21st century mankind. Who will the first carbonated human be?

To maximize carbonation in humans, stretchable corkage devices and large subjects should be used.

Carbonated humans will also add a new dynamic to capital punishment. Who would want to be shaken up in a life sized paint can mixer and then opened up with large amounts of gas inside. Not me. Carbonated humans may be the next big thing in science but count me out.

doctors appointment

today was a long day, mainly because my shoes were stolen. Not off of my feet thankfully..so..I was robbed but not mugged. It is a humiliating thing to lose if you have nothing else to wear but fortunately I have back up shoes that are now being brought back into the daily line up. I guess that is the positive bent on this whole situation..now the old neglected shoes feel loved again.

Shoe theft is no laughing matter

As one would imagine, I was quite distressed so I arranged a doctors appointment. At the appointment the doctor suggested that I look for the bright side and perhaps take a new lease on life...but............after looking at my options I realised I cannot afford the monthly payments so it's back to the drawing board...and eventually the shoe store.

interesting ad placements

one thing I have learned today is that if you are coming to this blog and wishing to learn the Chinese language, then presumably, you are doing so because you wish to insult people with it. The ad appeared on the right margin of "floating in the toilet" at some point today and definitely has an interesting approach to learning. The brilliant piece of art work attached to the "cultured" ad suggests that cartoon charactures of Chinese dolls with big heads are amusing and make people want to learn "Chinese".

"A progressive approach to learning"

Further evidence that you will just be learning comic lackey insults can be realised when you figure out that one cannot simply learn "Chinese". Which aspect of the language is it exactly here? Is it Mandarin? Wu? Cantonese? One of the other dialects? Great work at finding your target market guys. What is next? A "Learn to Speak African" animated gif advert with a dancing guy in black face? Lets hope not..

work meeting

at work today there was a mandatory staff meeting. I wasn't amused as I was tired and didn't want to sit around pretending that I take the job seriously. The meetings are always pointless and uninteresting. The meeting today however, was mildly entertaining. Our boss spoke in a shaky matter and had sweat on his brow when he told us that

"a sex offender has been hired."

The secretary passed around a sheet of paper to each of us that had the new employees name and picture but no information was given about the crimes committed. Instead we just now know we are working with a sex offender and what they look like. We got up and left the meeting and went to our jobs for the day.

I entered the photography wing of the building and made my way to the dark room and put on my lab coat and goggles. Inside the room was the sex offender who had just been hired developing some photographic prints. So as of today I work with a registered sex offender in a photograph lab dark room. Work went well and I didn't bring up the crimes committed. I watched as the new hiree handled the tongs used to flip the photos in the developing solution and I must admit, it was a limber grip. Perhaps the new hiree is misunderstood and there is no reason that I should be puzzled over the situation. Over lunch I mused that it was not a coincidence that the new sex offender is working in a dark, secretive room. Maybe the skills that this sex offender possesses are best suited to the tasks presented in the photo lab.

On second thought..I guess I am confused. I understand equal opportunity and all that, but why is a sex offender working in a private space devoid of light? What opinions should I have on this matter?