living in a dodgy apartment: the chronicles

the dodgy apartment is something that everybody eventually lives in. Whether it is the crazy argument going on next door at 4am through the thin walls, your unwanted engagement in a battle vs several cockroaches, the mysterious bite marks, the fact you have no thermostat to control the heat or you're busy playing "where will the next stain appear?" the fun never ends.

The hallways and elevator always stink and this is where most of the stains appear. I found an air mattress soul brother who was living in the laundry room?



oh hai there..i am living on this air bed until I find a new apartment

first the piss stains, phantom hallway poop, elevator gas chamber and now this...



As an owner of an airbed  myself... (sigh).. I will just segway back into the constant appearances of stains and presence of foul odours. Living in this apartment has shown me the trials and tribulations that some poor souls face..ok now I'm being overdramatic.

But yeah, imagine this scenario. You wake up to the loud screams of a guy yelling at his cat or dog about something and barking loudly. Then you leave your overheating apartment to go to work and right beside your door, about five feet to the left, on the drab yellow floor..

....is a piece of shit. Literally. What?

for every piece of shit I find, I'm deducting a fee from my rent good sirs!

So yeah, thankfully it doesn't stink for some reason. On to the elevator.

Okay..there is a huge stain on the floor of the elevator. It smells like B/O, sambuca and urine. This is fucking lovely. It is almost like it sticks to you and permeates your flesh and exterior clothing, somehow joining the fabrics of your under clothing, be it a t shirt or bra or man bra or whatever.

So from now on I'll stick to the stairs. It's only a few floors up- what's the big deal.

WRONG. It's like people have contests on how many stairs they can piss down in that stairwell. What is going on here? This is where 100 or more piss stains have been found.

Be grateful if you have moved OUT of this scenario..but for those who haven't..witnessing the piss olympics, listening to grown adults argue with appliances or geriatric pets leaving shit in the halls; I say one thing..and that is; YOU MUST try it out.



the store within a store concept

so you walk in a walmart and you find a mcdonalds. Or you walk in a home depot and find a harveys. Pretty interesting stuff here. The store within a store.

I want to further this and find a store within a store within a store etc.

Walk in the walmart and find the mcdonalds, in the mcdonalds you find a cinnabon, then in the cinnabon you find a pot shop with bongs and all that. Then theres this transition hallway for some reason and theres a dealer in the alley and you walk out into the next store, which is a 7-11. What the fuck is going on? Get your munchies and walk back into the walmart. Walmart is a pretty interesting place really...it's kinda like a senior citizen home meets disneyland meets a grocery store meets a dollar store.

Everybody in walmart is always on some kind of mission. I don't really think people go to walmart to browse? If they do they're fuckin stupid.

store within a store within a store concept.

What a load of stupid shit that was..contemplating deleting this one.

the limp handshake

i honestly don't fully get the whole aesthetic of the "firm handshake" so I just tend to keep it limp...perhaps like I'm a terminally ill patient in the hospital. Truth be told, I really just don't give a shit. If it's a job interview that I desperately need to do well in and the guy interviewing me is a big macho type, then yeah, I'll throw the acting skills out there and lay down a nice handshake that could potentially break fingers.

Shake it firm next time or I'll open a can of whoop ass you little PUNK

I wasn't being sexist in the last paragraph when I said "guy" interviewing me either. I know plenty of women who hold that role as well..but seriously- what kind of dumbass dude is gonna squeeze the shit out of the chicks hand who is interviewing them? Fucking morons...

But anyways, I'll continue this riveting tale.

I was recently made fun of and verbally abused for not giving a nice, firm handshake when I met a group of strangers (all guys) who I was hanging out with through a friend. None of them said shit, but then one just started going off:

"You can tell alot about a guys handshake."

Really? Is this a job site? And what is with the bluetooth headset? Quit pretending to be important and lose the act. Is he ready to beat some heads in Macho Man Randy Savage style? Almost got that BMW or whatever you're aiming for hotshot?

Seriously..I don't get this whole thing about firm handshakes. This isn't a military barracks, this isn't a try out for "who is the toughest asshole in the room"- lose the fucking macho bullshit. I'm limping it all the way to the finish line....and I don't give a shit what anybody says.

the all knowing pub preacher....

....and other "companion characters".


well I'll get started here by stating that I never have really been a big fan of public speaking. Whether it's someone on a high horse thinking they're important or a hate preaching psychopath...I guess I'll just say, it never really works for me.Well..maybe that is a lie. I enjoy listening to things I have attended out of my own doing. I do not however, enjoy, the shit I have to hear while I try to drink a beer at the bar and write or read or whatever the fuck.

the all knowing pub preacher

Usually; this unique individual is surrounded by various people... so with this being an age demographic based thing, we'll keep it simple with "the all knowing pub preacher" being our template.

Immediately after this riveting chap begins his tirades, three things will be witnessed... all of which using similar facial expressions:

the confused yet intrigued dude

the is she annoyed or is she interested gal

and, my personal favourite:

the uninterested, leave me the fuck alone while I conduct my business of reading, writing, or "general behaviours" pal

As you can see, definitely..he is indeed, a serious fellow.
Anyways, let us move on to the conclusion.

Conclusion:

So in the end, there is only one result to this..and fortunately, a friend of mine, who I drink with regularly, recently caught an excellent file photo of me nearby during this wee little tales unfolding.

THATS IT IVE HEARD ENOUGH!

So...basically..leave me alone when I want to write or read, or drink, or just sit in a dismal corner alone, conducting my endeavours in a public setting. I don't care about you..so leave me be. Afterall, this is the place I come to collect my thoughts and actually work. I don't do fuck all at my day job.

pointless 2011 commentary

what is merry about xmas to you
what is happy about a new year
what the fuck is a new year anyways
it seems kinda backwards or oxymoronical to me
why are so many people not happy or merry
why the shit are people merry and happy

ive never had a good new year or merry xmas.
well actually, i had one.
a long long time ago, in the summertime.

hope you all had a shitty and dismal holidays.
well..actually i don't really hope that..
i just have had a ridiculously stupid one...
probably the worst month of my life
so i guess it isn't fair to take it out on the lucky and fortunate people.
miss you